last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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