you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
