It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
