I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
