this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
