just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
