We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
