You can't special order awesome
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
