Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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