So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
