This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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