I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
