forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
