My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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