Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
