I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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