I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
