I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
