there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
