Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As shirtless as possible
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
