Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
