Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
