Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
