so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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