Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
