Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
