hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
