Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
