I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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