That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
