it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
