from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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