I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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