I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My feet surprised me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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