Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
