The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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