Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
