i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Randomize
