Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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