i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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