she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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