i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
