k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
