I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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