i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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