i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
