Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
