What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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