Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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