stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
