pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
