nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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